1. What is the description of a good tax accountant? He has a tax loophole named after him.
  2. What’s the difference between death and taxes? Parliament doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.
  3. Definition of “accountant” – Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
  4. A guy walks into a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”
  5. There are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count and those who can’t.
  6. A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for running a business right (being profitable).
  7. We live in the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer!
  8. For every income tax reduction idea there is a solution that is simple, straightforward, and probably illegal.
  9. Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child, “No, son. It wouldn’t be a tax deduction if Little Bo Peep lost her sheep. But good thinking.”
  10. What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Aimless
  11. How do you drive an accountant utterly insane? Tie him to a chair and mess up his Excel formulas.
  12. An accountant is having difficulty sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend two hours trying to find it.”
  13. Did you hear about the crooked Treasurer? He burned the office down trying to cook the books.
  14. You might be a tax accountant if you refer to your daughter as Deduction 2099.
  15. Advertising claims of good and bad accounting firms:
    Good: “We untangle your financial mess and straighten out your back-tax problems!”
    Bad: “We can crunch the numbers any way you want and can estimate jail time!”
  16. What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form? The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing my male client as a head of household.
  17. Why do economists exist? Gives accountants someone to laugh at.
  18. How do you drive an accountant crazy? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map backwards.
  19. There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?” The engineerpulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02″. The social worker said, “I don’t know the answer, but I’m glad that we discussed this important question. The attorney stated, “In the case of Munro vs. Marilyn, 2+2 was declared to be 4.” The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?” The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?”
  20. Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? No, me neither.
  21. What do accountants do for entertainment? Add the telephone book!
  22. If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say? “Darling, could you tell me about your work.”
  23. Two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes. At least death only occurs once.
  24. What do accountants suffer from more than ordinary people? Depreciation.
  25. Some say that no one should keep too much to themselves. The tax office is of the same opinion.
  26. Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between them was placed a briefcase full of money. Suddenly the train entered a tunnel, and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?… Well, it’s obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there’s no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap accountant!
  27. Why is tax planning like a Haggis? They are both the result of bloody processes; the end result is a mystery and you wouldn’t want to watch either being made.
  28. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? Jail. (Actually true)
  29. How do you know when an accountant’s having a mid-life crisis? He gets a quicker calculator.
  30. What did an underworked asset say to the other asset? I feel so under depreciated.
  31. Lemon Squeezer. The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze an orange until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the orange to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed an orange, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the orange and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied, “I work for the Canada Revenue Agency.”
  32. Did you hear about the cannibal CPA? He charges an arm and a leg.
  33. How do accountants make a bold fashion statement? Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.
  34. How can you tell when the Controller (chief accountant) is getting soft?When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
  35. What’s an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.
  36. Why do some accountants become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.
  37. Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.
  38. A business owner tells a friend that he is desperately searching for an accountant. The friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a while ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’m searching for.”
  39. What’s the difference between a lawyer and an accountant? The accountant knows he’s boring.
  40. Top accountant superpower? Telepathy with an excel spreadsheet.
  41. The best things in life are free — tax extra, of course.
  42. Why accountants don’t die? They just lose their balance!
  43. Why do accountants make great lovers? They’re great with figures.
  44. Why did the accountant stare at a glass of orange juice for two hours? Because on the box had bold print: Concentrate.
  45. How was copper wire invented? Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
  46. What is an economist? Someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.
  47. Did you hear about the retiring accountant? He is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.
  48. Where there’s a will, there’s a tax shelter or two.

Heard a good one? Please send it along.